why?

i feel wrapped.....in a blanket of darkness......
there's no difference.... whether i open my eyes or not.....

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then it hit me....... the cold ...hard... unforgiving ground....

no pain?

my left hand was bent in ways that seemed impossible...
i couldn't feel my right leg....
and my head was turned the wrong way... my body was facing down... but my head was facing up....

how can i not feel pain?

i use my right hand to turn my head the right way ... and that's when i realised that my mouth was full of blood.... i spit the viscous substance out and try sitting up.... i can..... phew....

then i spent the next few eternities sitting there trying to figure out why there's no pain... and that's when i realise... i still can't see.... i'm sitting in the darkness... not the normal darkness u get when u close ur eyes or when u switch off all the lights..... the darkness was different... but some how it seemed familiar....

suddenly... i felt a rock hit my left thigh... at least i know i can still feel some stuff..... i grope around and i feel something on my left thigh.... it wasn't a rock....it was more like a piece of plastic and it was buried in my leg... i pull it out and feel the other half of the object that was stuck in my leg.... it's the knife....

why?

the knife stabbed my leg.... but it felt like a tiny rock.... i take the knife... and..... i stab myself all over.....

my neck.... arms.... stomach.... chest.... head... everywhere.... no pain... it just felt like i was being bombarded with rocks....

drenched in vile concoction of blood ...sweat.... and soon tears... i scream... not because of the pain.... but because of the fact that i was completely void of it....


is this what i really wanted.......... i wanted to be free from the agonising pain....the waiting was torture.... so i released myself.... and now... i find myself completely numb.....